A lot of anxiety - CSP 2011

The fated day was 12th June. As I tried to sleep at a conveniently early hour on the night of 11th, my mind was zipping through a lot many thoughts and with every surge my sleep wandered far off and I was cast in a sea of anxiety. What would be it like? Would the preps. I've put in for past 6 months since I quit my job would see a shore and whether I was good enough? I tried failingly to get a decent sleep and it was when the clock ticked three, I could ward off all the nebulous fears and take some rest before the big day.

As i trudged out of the examination hall at 11:30 A.M, my mind was in a total chaos. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know how I fared and I had no clue what would be my score. I tried to flush out the imbroglio as the battle was not over and the respite of 3 hours was not to be wasted in calculations and speculations. I was relatively feeling a lot better at 4:30 P.M and the hope had returned. But yes there was a big question mark.

I tried to restrain myself from going on blogs and discussing probable cut-offs but the tempation was endearing and unmistakingly led to a nadir. All forums had posted a cut-off hovering around 230-250. I was crest fallen and weak in my mind and soul.

As the days have passed and things have eventually settled with the dust with time, there is a dawn of realization that what is done is done. It is a thing of past and brooding and meditating over it won't change a thing. The cut offs have also come down reasonably.

A battle always leaves its wounds and scars. It always leaves a few indelible imprints on one's mind. What is important is to get beyond them. It is a test for the stuff one is made of. So after all these tiring days of speculation and plus minus gamble, I have come to the conclusion that dwelling over such shaky lands won't lead me anywhere.

It is time to rise to the occassion and plan and dedicate myself to the gruelling regime of the mains preps. And without much ado and further procrastination, I have started walking down the path, hoping to attain a brisk speed soon.

My purpose of this blog is to log on my experience through these testing days. A rational and introspective sight of mind can be a possible catharsis in the days to come. So believing and placing my faith in God, hard work and an ability to fight, I hereby begin my journey with one singular motto.

THE RACE IS NOT OVER AS I HAVE NOT WON YET.

Wishing all fellow aspirants best.